


Living In Fear, Acting Upon Desire

by Grimecesty



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Adding More Tags LATER, Angst, Developing Carl, Father-Son Relationship, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Incest, M/M, Or my attempt at a slow build, Protective Rick, Slow Build, Underage - Freeform, communities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 09:17:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13610259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grimecesty/pseuds/Grimecesty
Summary: Change. A concept to be avoided and to be embraced. It meant fear to Rick. The fear of not knowing how long safety could last or when the next threat would come. It meant becoming more. More than a man and more than a father to Carl.





	Living In Fear, Acting Upon Desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RickGrimes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RickGrimes/gifts).



> So, I really really wanna thank RickGrimes. They have been my biggest supporter and helper throughout this first chapter alone and they're a real blessing. I'm dedicating this whole thing to them and them alone. 
> 
> Thank you so much B, I love you so much <3

Rick was holding Carl close as he walked down an abandoned neighborhood. He was stumbling slightly but made sure to keep himself upright and his steps steady for the sake of Carl’s safety. Carl was holding onto his shoulders tightly and letting out small sobs, face buried into Rick’s neck.

Rick was rubbing his back and whispering soothing words softly, letting a few tears fall himself, “You’re okay,” He whispered, knowing the effort was unavailing, “It’s all okay, don’t worry.”

Rick was looking around hastily, trying to make a hasty judgement on which house would be the fastest to clear and the most secure. If it was just him, he’d take the risk and pick any house carelessly, not caring if it was at its safest. But he had Carl, he had to think clearly, and quickly, to find the safest place for the both of them.

It took Rick a matter of seconds before he found the right house. It was a simple one story with a small yard, but had a chain-link fence perimetered around it. Rick knew the house was the best option the moment he laid eyes on it.

He looked around as he started to speed walk, making sure there wasn’t any possible threat nearby as his grip on Carl tightened. Rick was beginning to grasp the works of the new world. He had to be more than a father for Carl, more than his protector. He had to do everything in his power to keep him safe, keep him from seeing how ugly the world has turned. He’d be damned if he let anything happen to the one thing that’s most important to him.

Rick quietly closed the gate behind him and instantly locked it, making sure it was secure enough to keep out walkers. He made his way to the front door and gently set Carl down, rubbing his back as he clutched onto Rick tighter, “Don’t leave me,” He whispered, hiccuping slightly.

Rick kissed his head and pulled his head back, running his fingers through his hair, “I’m not goin’ anywhere, okay? Never again, I promise you. But I gotta check and make sure the house is safe for us, okay? I’ll be in and out,” He reassured, giving him a soft smile. 

“Do you promise?” He asked quietly, sniffling.

Rick gave his cheek a small pinch, “I promise,” He said softly, ruffling Carl’s hair gently when he nodded. He stood up and looked around before he pulled a rocking chair that sat on the porch forward and nodded towards Carl, “I’m gonna need you to hide right here until I get back, okay Bud?” He asked gently.

Carl gave a small nod and hesitantly made his way under his dad’s arm and behind the rocking chair, crouching down and hugging his knees close.

Rick lowered down to his height and kissed his head again, “Stay real quiet and don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Carl gave another nervous nod, shrinking in further as he watched his dad stand up and draw his knife out before he opened the door slowly, peaking in with caution. Rick looked his way and gave a small nod before he slipped into the house.

Rick made a quick sweep through the house. It wasn’t hard, given the size of the small house. It only held two bedrooms and one bathroom, the kitchen and living room barely separated by a wall, making the area more open. Most windows were already boarded up but Rick knew he’d have to make a few adjustments. Maybe go scavenge the other homes when he knew Carl was completely safe.

When he finished clearing the house, he went back to the porch and was relieved when he saw Carl in the same spot he left him. He went over and reached out for him, picking him back up, “C’mon, we’re safe now, okay?” He whispered.

Rick closed the door and instantly bolted the locks before setting Carl down. He looked around and saw a stray cord laying on the floor. He was quick to snatch it up before he tied the door knob to a hook that was used for the drapes. Once the knot was tight and Rick made sure the cord was in place, he looked down at Carl and gave a small smile before crouching to his level, “Hey,” He said softly, “We’re okay, I promise. You don’t have to be scared.” __For now, at least__  Rick thought to himself.

Carl sniffled and gave a weak nod before wrapping his arms around Rick’s neck, holding on tightly as he closed his eyes. The day was exhausting for the both of them, spending nearly half of it traveling, finding shelter.

Rick rubbed Carl’s back and gave his head a gentle kiss before he made a secure hold on him. He gently picked him up and carried him over to the couch before going to one of the bedrooms to grab a blanket blanket for him.

The couch may not have been the comfiest, the blanket may not have been the warmest, but Rick will take what he can get. He knew better than to be ungrateful in a world like this. In their last location, there was barely enough room for the group they had, barely any supplies to last them long. Rick was thankful for what they had for just the two of them.

When Rick was sure Carl was asleep, he set to work on looking for food. He walked to the kitchen and raved the cabinets, pulling out what was good and setting it in a pile on the counter. He found a few water bottles and sighed gratefully before he began to search some more.

There wasn’t much. Not much that was still good, anyway. Most of the food was spoiled or ruined by rodents or insects. Again, Rick was still grateful. They had enough to last them the day and enough water for two days. Rick could look through the other houses and collect what he could from them.

When he walked back into the living room, he saw Carl still fast asleep and smiled at him gently. He went over and sat down on the floor in front of Carl, leaning his back against the couch and reached a hand up to run his fingers through the boys hair softly. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, keeping his hand where it was.

He was surprised Carl was sleeping so soundly. He’s only ten and he’s been through more traumatic events than any adult, let alone a child, should ever go through. The day before had probably been the worst of them all.

Rick and Carl were close to the camp in the woods, picking berries when it happened. There was a scream from one of the members in the group and the two instantly took off in their direction.

When they showed up, there was a lone walker, limping their way towards one of the younger girls, Sophia, Rick thinks her name was. However, before he could reach her, Shane Walsh grabbed a crowbar they kept in one of the trailers and swung at its head. The thing dropped to the floor instantly before Shane gave it a few good swings to be sure.

Everyone only had a minute to catch their breath before there were more. More than just Shane and a crowbar can handle. Rick instantly took Carl to his ex-wife, Lori, and grabbed his shovel before a few others joined in to help. But it was a lost cause. There was a whole group of them and everyone knew it was best if they made a run for it. 

Sophia and her mother, Carol, were already gathering what they could at lightening speed before they ran off and a few other people did the same. Some who were fighting off the walkers weren’t as lucky and were bit, making the screams throughout the camp louder. Rick new it was only a matter of time before more came.

”Dad!” 

He heard Carl scream, causing him to instantly turn and he caught a sight of Carl being cornered, a walker making its way to him.

Rick didn’t stop to think where Lori was as he ran to his son, killing as many walkers as he could as he went. When he was close enough, he swung his shovel back and brought it down as hard as his strength would allow onto the back of the threatening walker’s head. It dropped like a pile of stones and Rick gave it one last blow to the head before he quickly grabbed Carl, picking him up.

“Are you okay? You alright?” He asked in a rush, cupping his cheek and running his fingers through his hair hurriedly.

They were both panting, Carl with tears running down his cheeks and letting out small sobs. He nodded and sniffled before he gripped onto Rick’s neck tightly, hiding his face into his neck.

Rick held on just as close before looking over to the destroyed camp. There weren’t many people now, maybe four at the most. Rick’s not sure how many managed to escape but from what he can see, not many of them have.

He looked around and found no sight of Lori or Shane, his stomach churning at the possibilities of what happened to the pair. But he couldn’t focus on that, not right now. Not with Carl in danger’s hands. He quickly grabbed a map they had on a trailer and grabbed his gun before he made a quick run into the woods and never looking back.

After walking for nearly half the day, Carl still shaking and crying into Rick’s shoulder, Rick made it out of the woods and found a closed community of houses not long after. He slipped through the gate and that’s when he found their small, one story house.

Rick knew Carl was strong, knew he was aware of how different things were and acknowledges the realism of their new lives, of never being safe. He was a smart kid for his age and adapted quickly to the new hell they were thrown into. Faster than Rick ever could.

Rick’s not sure when everything fell apart. Maybe the world has always been falling apart, but at a slow pace. Slow enough for no one to notice. There was a disease that broke out. Spreading faster than the Dark Plague ever could. Businesses were closing, one by one everyday. People fled from the city or locked themselves in isolation, almost like a safe haven.

The government couldn’t do much to help, everyone knew that. They would try to contain the disease from spreading by picking as many infected citizenry as they could, and attempted to keep them insulated from those who weren’t. Apparently that wasn’t enough.

One by one, people everywhere was getting sick and that’s when Rick knew they had to leave, find a safe house. Luckily, Carl was with him that weekend and Lori and Shane were already planning on leaving, so all Rick had to do was pack food, clothes and water for him and Carl.

Carl didn’t ask many questions, but Rick knew he was frightened. He grabbed his sheriffs hat and placed it on Carl’s head, smiling reassuringly, “There, you’re just like like your old man. We’re gonna need a strong sheriff. Think you can fill in the position?” He asked, making Carl giggle.

Carl gave a big smile and nodded, hat falling into his eyes, “Yes, sir,” He giggled.

Rick cooed and lifted his hat above his eyes, “Good. Now c’mon, got a long journey ahead.”

Carl still has the hat. It was the only thing he found comfort in, the only thing he used for encouragement.

Rick was touched and relieved knowing Carl had something to hang onto, something to keep him human. And Rick knew, deep down, that he was selfishly thrilled that it was something of his.

“Dad?”

Rick’s head lifted and he turned to look at Carl, who was rubbing an eye with his balled up fist. He looked so innocent and for a moment, Rick felt like everything was back to how it was before. Carl taking naps and waking up, asking his dad for a cookie and using the excuse that it’ll keep him up. Rick would chuckle but give in nonetheless and hand him a cookie, sometimes even two.

“Hey, kiddo,” He whispered, “You alright?”

“Hungry,” He yawned, sitting up.

Rick was quick to get up and head for the kitchen, grabbing a can of food he thought Carl would like best. Cream of chicken was his favorite so that was the can he chose. He grabbed a random can for himself, not feeling too picky, before he snatched up two waters with two spoons and made his way over to Carl, sitting on the couch with him.

He used his pocket knife to open the cans, smiling as Carl observed with fascination. Carl’s always had an interest in everything his father does. He would ask Rick to tell him the most exciting stories about work and Rick would let Carl ride shotgun in his cop car just to see the exciting thrill his son shown when he did. Carl’s even told him he wanted to be a cop when he was older. Rick’s never felt more pride and love for the boy.

He handed Carl’s can over with his spoon and water before he got comfortable on the couch and began to eat from his can. It was a can of red kidney beans. Rick was pretty pleased with what he got and continued to eat happily.

“How long will we be here?” Carl asked after he took a drink of water.

Rick thought about it for a moment. The house seemed pretty safe. Hell, the whole neighborhood did. He’d just have to roam the houses and pick off any walker he came across. It wasn’t a bad place to settle. He knew he’d have to give the idea more thought and talk to Carl about it. Ten or not, the boy was an equal. He stopped being a kid the second they left the house.

“I’m not sure,” Rick finally answered, giving a small shrug, “As long as we can, I suppose."

Carl seemed content with his response and nodded before he continued eating.

When they were finished, Rick took their empty cans and put them in a trashcan he found in the kitchen. He took a moment to really observe the house and judge the cleanliness. 

For a house in the apocalypse, it was pretty immaculate. There was dust, maybe a few mice droppings in the corner, and some trash littered around, but other than that, it was clean. It wouldn’t take long to have to house set up and windows newly boarded. Maybe he could even find something to help set the electric back on.

The more Rick thought about settling down in the house, the harder it was to let it go. He quickly forced himself to shake his head and go back to Carl, making a little pallet on the floor.

“It’s gonna be a cold night,” He commented. Carl nodded and he continued, “How about you go get us more blankets and pillows while I look for a candle and then I can bring one of the mattresses in here? We can make the bed and have a comfortable place to sleep instead of crowding on the small couch.”

Carl beamed at the idea and nodded, “Okay,” He grinned and instantly got up and ran off to one of the rooms to gather the blankets.

Rick smiled and got up, starting his search for something to use as light. He looked in the kitchen and searched the drawers, moving the clutter around. He found a box of matches, so he’ll count that as half a win. He went through some top cabinets, the shelves before going to a closet and looking around. Luck seemed to be on his side that day because he found two working flashlights and two lanterns with adjustable lighting.

He smiled and grabbed the belongings before going back to the living room, only to find Carl attempting to make his way in blindly from the hall. The boy was carrying piles of blankets and it looked like they were about to make him topple over. That obviously didn’t stop him from trying.

Rick went over to help after laughing lightly, “Here, let me give you a hand,” He unloaded some of the blankets, which helped Carl’s balance immediately.

Carl smiled when he face was revealed and walked to the couch with his dad. They dumped the pile of blankets on the couch and gave each other a high five, “Well done, Carl,” He praised, smiling. Though it wasn’t a difficult task, it was always important to Rick to let Carl know he was doing a good job, to let him know that he was being helpful and useful.

Carl smiled shyly and nodded, “Mattress?” He asked hopefully.

Rick smiled and ruffled his hair, “Give me two minutes,” He said before going to the rooms. He looked through each one, deciding that the King mattress in the master bedroom was the best choice. Not only was it bigger, but seemed to be the most comfiest for Carl.

The mattress was not light by any means but he knew Carl was excited to finally sleep on a bed. He came accustom to sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag or on a ratty old cot. This was going to be a really good change for the both of them.

He took the mattress into the living room, smiling when he saw Carl’s eyes widen.

“Think it’s big enough for the two of us?” He teased as he gently set it down.

Carl smiled up at Rick, nodding, “Yeah,” He said before he went over and hugged him tightly, “Thank you, Dad,” He whispered.

Rick knew he was talking about more than just bringing the mattress out. He wrapped his arm’s around Carl and kissed his head, “You’re welcome,” He said softly.

“Do you think they made it out?” Carl asked quietly, voice cracking only slightly. Staying strong. Has to, it’s the only way he can be helpful in a world like this. Can’t be weak or you’re no use, that’s what Shane taught him one afternoon when it was just the two of them in the woods.

When Carl told Rick about what Shane told him that evening, he wasn’t pleased. It seemed wrong to tell a child they had to put their emotions aside and grow up. But, in the end, Rick knew it was for the best. He was just glad Shane had the balls to tell him.

“I don’t know,” He answered truthfully. Lately, it seemed like Rick didn’t know much of anything anymore. The world had proven to be unpredictable on many occasions and it bothered the fuck out of him.

Cal nodded and took a deep breath, still holding onto his father. Rick didn’t mind, he needed the comfort just as much. He and Lori may not have been married anymore but he still cared for her. It was going to be hard but Rick didn’t know what was harder; knowing her and Shane didn’t make it out or not knowing what happened to them at all.

He shook his head and pulled away, giving Carl a gentle smile, “I’ll help you make the bed then I have to secure the windows and door,” He said, ruffling his hair for the second time that day.

Carl’s smile returned to his face and he nodded before he and Rick grabbed the blankets to make the bed.

When the bed was made, Rick stood back and nodded in approval, “Looks good,” He said. He grabbed the two lanterns he found and clicked one on, dimming it before handing it to Carl, “Wanna go look for something to keep us occupied tonight while I fix the windows?”

Carl accepted the lantern and nodded, “Can I help when I come back?” He asked hopefully. For Carl, it wasn’t just being helpful; It was about learning, gaining more knowledge on how to survive day by day. He loved learning anyway. He was like a sponge when it came to new things, always ready to soak up new information, to absorb it and use it to the best of his ability. He knew there was so much education he’d be missing and didn’t want to let the apocalypse stop him from having a somewhat normal life.

At their last camp, his mom and dad would take time to teach him what they could, making Carl feel like he was being home-schooled. Once, when Rick and Shane went on a run, they came back with three educational textbooks: Math, Language Arts and Science. Three of Carl’s favorite subjects.

The math and science may have been pointless but it was still useful to him in many factors. His dad would work with him on Math problems and Shane would help him with English (especially when it came to learning bigger words) and his mom would help with science. Sometimes, Sophia and a few other kids from the camp would join, making it into a mini class session. He enjoyed it, the normalcy feeling settling in.

Then it was ripped away.

They didn’t have the books now and Carl wasn’t sure if they’d ever get lucky enough to come across anymore. But, he learned a lot and he’ll stick with what he can at the moment.

“Course,” Rick smiled and tipped his hat forward, making the rim drop over his eyes. Carl let out a small giggle as he pushed it back up, smiling at his father before he gave a nod and made his way to the rooms.

Carl searched for different things in each room, opening dressers and digging through them. He found a deck of cards, which was something. He’d see Shane and his dad play with a few other people before at their last camp, so it was something that could pass the time.

When he found nothing else worth his searching, he decided to move on to the next room.

With that room, he had more luck. The room probably belonged to a kid his age. There was books scattered everywhere and some action figures on shelves. He smiled and scanned the room some more before his eyes caught sight of a few board games stacked at the corner on the floor. This was already his favorite room out of the whole house.

Carl went over and looked though the minor stack of games, some recognizable from the ones he use to have. He grabbed the Battle Ship game and grinned. This was his favorite game to play when he and his dad played. It was the only game Carl could win at and he only went on lucky guesses. But he’d never tell Rick that.

He set the game to the side and looked through a few others. He added Monopoly and The Game of Life to the pile, adding Rako in at the top. He wasn’t sure how to play that one but his grandparents would play with Rick and Lori when they were in town and by the smiles everyone wore, it didn’t seem too bad.

When he gathered as many games as he could that didn’t look too destroyed, he collected the boxes and was about to walk out when the bookshelf caught his eye. His steps faltered and he stared at the books for a while, contemplating. He looked at the arm full of games he held, thinking for a minute before he looked around again, finding a backpack hanging on the back of a computer chair.

Carl smiled and set the games on the bed before going to the bookshelf with the backpack and started to fill the bag with books. The shelf was filled with different types of books and even comic books. Carl had never been more excited. He knew he could have easily made two trips but he promised his dad he would help with the windows when he came back and he didn’t want to keep him waiting.     

When the bag was filled to where it was still easy to transport with the board games, he put the bag on his back and collected the games back before going back to the living room.

Rick was putting a nail into a board, trying be a quiet as he can be when Carl walked in. He set the games on the newly made bed, making Rick turn his head when he saw him.

“Hey,” He smiled, “I see you found a few things.”

“Yeah,” He said, reaching down and picking up Battle Ship. He gently shook it with a smile, “At least I know I’ll beat you at __something__.”

Rick laughed, “That’s amazing,” It was. Carl found quite a few options. His eyes caught sight of the bag and he nodded towards it, “What’s in the bag?” When he saw Carl’s face brighten, he felt his tense muscles relax . It was nice to see his son smile or get excited, living the life they live. The smiles and laughter weren’t a daily deal, but Rick vowed to try and make them appear on his boys features in any way he can.

Carl sat on the edge of the bed and put the book-bag between his legs before opening it. He pulled out a few books and comics, spreading them out on the bed with a smile, “I found some books in the room. There was a few more but I didn’t want to take too long so I grabbed what I can carry,” He said before reaching for a comic.

Rick dropped his hands from where they were position at the top of the board before making his way to the bed in awe. Rick knew how much Carl liked to read and, believe it or not, books were hard to find now. Not many people read from a physical book, usually going online and reading that way and they’ve never had a camp close enough to a bookstore. So, seeing the variety of options Carl (and himself) found, he was starting to feel more relaxed and at ease.

Rick watched as Carl flipped through the comic, smiling as he let out a soft “Cool” as he went through the pages.

Rick sat beside him, looking at the pages with him, “Your mother and I planned on getting you a comic book set for your next birthday,” He said gently. Which wasn’t a lie. When Rick had to go to the pawn shop to purchase a used gun for shooting practice or Lori would go to an antique mall and Carl was with them, he went straight for the comics, watching them with wonder and awe.

Carl looked up, eyes wide, “Really?” He whispered, his lips twitching up into a smile.

Rick smiled back and ruffled his hair, “Yep,” He said, “The Captain America set.”

Carl’s mouth dropped open and made a sad sound. Just another reason to hate the new world.

Rick noticed his distress and kissed his head, “Don’t worry, I can see you have a few here and when we go on runs, we can try to look for more, deal?” 

At those words, Carl’s expression changed to a softer, more understanding look. It wasn’t his dad’s fault the world had gone to shit. Carl nodded and smiled up at his dad, “Deal,” He said softly.

Rick smiled, “Good. Now, let’s say we finish the windows then go through a few of these games before bed?”

Carl took a nap earlier but he could feel the exhaustion settle into his bones. He could only imagine what his dad felt like. He nodded and went over, holding the nails for Rick as he nailed them into the board and wall.

It was a longer process than Carl thought, given Rick being cautious to not attract any attention they didn’t need, causing him to be as quiet as possible with the hammer.

When they finally finished, Rick looked at Carl, giving him a soft smile when he saw the boys eyelids drooping. Games and books can always wait until tomorrow. He get his hand on Carl’s shoulder and guided him to the bed. He set the games and books on the couch before pulling the blankets down, “C’mon, climb in,” He said softly

Carl climbed in sleepily, instantly snuggling into the blankets before he felt Rick get in behind him and felt himself relax when his dad wrapped his arm around him and held him close to his chest.

The world may have gone to hell and the nights are probably colder, but Carl’s never felt this warm and safe than he did when he was with his dad.

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously a work in progress but if you all like it, I will try to update as often as possible.


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